INSOMNIAC

INSOMNIAC

In the night when things are quiet

My brain decides to start a riot

No enemy to battle, so it fights with me

And my imagination is cut loose, dangerously free!

Worries pop up like mushrooms in manure 

The fence is unlocked – my mind runs off to wander

Unsupervised, troublemaking – we’ll wait and see

How much trouble this adventure is gonna cause me.

What will go wrong? Complications are frequent

In this surgery hurtling at me like a 2000 lb. bomb…

Can I be tough, stay positive, will I fold or stay strong?

Only God knows (and as usual, He’s not telling).

Things will be better when this is all done

“Cause there’s nothing new anywhere under the sun

I have no control of what will happen

Just show up to get fixed ‘cause I’m obviously broken.

Cancer sucks.  It isn’t fair.  

I wish it was gone but it’s still here.  

But I am so blessed to be where I am, 

in a world where there’s help

(And I’m loved by this man who doesn’t give up).

So many people go through this stuff alone

But I am loved and grateful 

Even though I’m navigating through this thick, damp fog

Even though I can’t see it, I’m gonna believe

I’m in the hands of a loving God.

January 6, 2023

5 days before a pretty extensive  cancer surgery….

God, I’m trying to be reasonable, but…

A thief has come creeping in the silence of night
To steal serenity, vitality and maybe my life.
I thought I could deal with this new situation
But my mind is imploding with great consternation.

He wasn’t invited, he has no real claim
So I’ll try asking him to leave in Jesus name.
I’ve met his cousin years ago – his name – breast cancer
But chemo and grace made him go.

I know I’m not righteous, that I don’t deserve
God’s blessing, protection, or any good thing
But I’ve come to trust that He’s good and kind-
(Until Job, world news and genocide come to mind).

Job didn’t deserve it, but he lost everything
Because God and the Liar played a game.
Job and his family suffered for a challenge from evil?
Is God really good? The world doesn’t look the same.
I believe, help my unbelief.

October 15, 2023

(On 10/6/23, I was diagnosed with bladder cancer and on 10/17, had the first surgery)

Tapestry

Our lives are as a tapestry

He weaves the threads so knowingly.

We don’t always understand

‘Cause we don’t see the Master’s plan.

We walk together yet alone-

The load each carries is his own

(Although sometimes we share the joy and pain).

Others have walked before us 

On this road we’re traveling on.

By learning from their stories

We can see what makes you strong!

They left us Steps to follow

To a better way to live.

They shared what they were given-

Now we’ve got something to give!

When they look into our eyes

And see His love (they’re not despised)-

Their human pain and brokenness we share.

Our lives a portrait that He weaves,

His grace together we receive.

Together is much better than alone!

Even when the road looks long

And the mountains hard to climb,

If we’re walking with our brother

There’s a strength that we can find!

It’s the strength that comes from giving away

The grace we’re given today

And sharing our lives

In a fellowship of friends.

(written and sung for my friend’s funeral in 2000, I think)

Joy Comes In the Morning

Joy Comes in the Morning

He died on a cold November day, probably in 1975.
I hadn’t known him long. He was the father of a friend
And he took all 22 of us living in the house
Into his bear-hugged size embrace.

Some of them, he was related to.
I was just a bonus one he threw in
(maybe because I seemed so lost).
Anyway, he thought I was worth loving.

The loss hit me hard. I felt more alone.
It wasn’t like I was going to see him again
Since I had already moved out of the group…
But knowing someone loved me mattered a lot.

When I came home after the funeral,
I took my guitar and my big black leather King James Bible
And went upstairs looking for some comfort.
The house empty – no one to hear me weeping from my guts).

I think I may have been searching for verses about weeping…
Psalms 30:5 came to mind – “weeping may endure for a night,
but joy cometh in the morning…” and the lines “the Lord is my strength and my song, my heart trusts in Him and I am helped. Therefore, my heart greatly rejoices and with my song will I praise Him: (not sure where those lines are from but they came with music).

Then, another song, this one partly from Psalms 126.5-6: “They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. He that goes forth weeping bearing precious seed will doubtless come again with rejoicing bringing his sheaves with him.”

I’d never written a song before, but out of the grief and lament, God gave me two new songs. This was the start. Sowed in tears, reaped in joy-wrote a lot of songs over the next few years….

Darkness, Darkness

Darkness, darkness, land of shadows
Oh my heart is full of you
Grace and mercy, God’s compassion
Is hidden from my narrow view.
I have failed again, again I’ve failed you
Failed myself and those I love.
Why keep trying? I keep on failing.
Why even ask what I should do?

Your loving kindness hidden by my blindness
I’m insensitive and dull of heart
Will I never learn to hear You,
God of Light who darkness cannot hide….
Failures again, failures before
No easy solutions – I hear judgement roar.
Though your heart does not condemn me,
Guilt and shame and unbelief pierce me through
This wounded warrior falls to her knees before you.

But though the shadows in the valley
Are so dark I can’t see
I know in faith, with His rod and staff
My Shepherd comes to comfort me.
With lovingkindness He reaches down
And lifts this lost sheep from the ground
The One who holds me in HIs arms
Can save the ones I love from harm.

(Written 7/15/2021…it’s hard to watch your children struggle, whether they are little kids, teens or grownups. I will always wish I had done more, done it better, done it sooner…seems like parenting sets you up to always have to cry out to God….)

Thoughts on seeing God…

I love listening to the stories of some of the wonderful people who have been here in this church and community for 50+ years. What a wealth of memory and relationship! So many stories of God’s faithfulness in all kinds of situations…some of you have been blessed with this amazing continuity of God’s grace….I am grateful for you.

My dad had that – his dad helped build the church he grew up and went to for 75 years before it closed. I have bounced around a bit and we have had the immense privilege of being parts of several different churches and communities – from house churches to a 1300+ member megachurch.

We got an old record digitized recently that a friend had taken my dad’s dad to make. Hearing the grandpa I never met singing “the love of God’ in his heavily accented German voice made me cry – that is what was important to this immigrant farmer who came to America hoping for a better life. The God who made oceans and mountains and skies and seas and rocks and trees and weeds …. Creator God made humans and loved them. It reminded me of our friend Bob Wieneke, who also loved the old hymns.

A friend who taught at SPU asked me to come and speak to a small group of his students (very surprising) about missional theology. I’m still not sure what that is, but I went and told stories about the people we had met working with refugees as they were resettled here in the Seattle area, helping to process payments that supported relief teams that helped provide for the needs of the internally displaced in Burma. A mother who said she was so proud of her oldest daughter who had always remembered to take her blanket with her when they had to hide from the bombs…a friend who started a church in her living room…. In the end, David expressed it for me – “your theology is defined by the people you have known following Jesus in all kinds of circumstances”. Yep! That’s it. I’m a boring person with some really interesting friends.

My girls, when they were little, asked me “how do you see God?” And the answer I was given for them was “you see God in His people, that’s where He’s found.”

Lord, you know there’s times I’ve tried to run but now I come
To give you thanks for all you’ve done
I don’t know. How it is I couldn’t see before
That the hands that were reaching out to me were yours.
I guess that sometimes pride gets in the way-
We turn aside to try to hide the pain.
So much is lost I know you gave your life to gain –
So I come to give thanks in your name…..

When my little girls ask how to see you –
How can they really know that you’re around
You’ve given me an answer I can share with them –
They can see you in your people – that’s where you’re found!

Thank you Lord for all you’ve done
You gave me friends that helped me live again
There kindness and there mercy were like water to the thirsty
I’ve seen you in my friends and I thank you Lord.

(The song was was written 40 years ago, but the thoughts about my current church and community are fresh).

What Time I Am Afraid….

What time I am afraid, I will trust in You…
But, Lord, I am afraid all the time, all of this time,
Right here, right now, today.
Every breath, every whisper, every whimper…
Always, fear is continually whispering in my ears –
“You are not strong enough to do this,
There is no solution…You are going to die.
You haven’t done enough to let them know
how much you love them…
Worse, you haven’t showed then how much I love them!”

God, how could it ever be enough!
One lifetime is not enough
To surround them with songs and prayers
And laughter and shared tears
And hopes and meals and hugs
And celebrations – in joy and in sorrows
Celebrating new pets and grieving the ones we lost…

From Choo Choo train obsessed toddler
To a kind, helpful, capable young man
From shy guy observing everything
To happy fisherman, getting Big Bob set up
From little enthusiasts singer even before she had words,
To helping lead her school in Christmas songs
From stealthy little acquisition planner
To kind puppy loving snuggler…
Their mammas and papas…loved so much and so good at loving
They are good humans…

But it’s not enough time….
God, I need more.
Please, God give me more.

12/10/23

(Even though I am only Stage II, it’s impossible not to think about recurrence (my cancer has a 70%. chance of coming back) and the horrors of the next surgery coming up. I hear the voice of my 4 year old grandson as he took his grandpa’s hand years ago and led him upstair to “fight dinosaurs”- “Be Brave, Baboo”. I will borrow his line and try to be brave over the next few months…grandmas can be brave too. This poem was written on a pretty unhinged over the top depressed overwhelmed day.

Falling

Leaves falling

Bombs falling

Buildings falling

Bodies falling

Babies crying

Children dying

Grandmas dying

Flags are waving

Voices raising

Hateful words

Dehumanizing

Words that tear

Accuse and rend

We do it and do it

And do it and do it

Although we said 

“NEVER AGAIN!!”

Palestinians love their children

Israelis love their children too

Politicians love to make speeches

But can’t ever decide what to do

Oh God, oh God, oh God!!!!!

This nightmare never ends….

We kill our neighbor, they kill us too

When you said

Loving is what we must do….

10/7/2023

How can i describe what it’s like to be loved so well it takes your breath away?

Forty-five years ago, a manly looking fisherman with sunburned nose, blond streaked hair, kind eyes that twinkled said hello to this rather shy woman sitting in the grass writing poetry….

Over the next few months, he chose a life of faith and I found out how how his face could hold such soft delight as he held his best friend’s little newborn son….that’s when I fell in love.

He had kind eyes-kindness is such a gift…I met his mentor (an older weathered fisherman) who was also there when he was baptized…

I didn’t know men could strong and kind until I met him.  I prayed…I waited to see if our paths would converge…

Six months later,  we got married.   Now after 45 years, 3 kids and 4 grandkids…(and two young women who adopted us as grandparents) I am grateful beyond measure.

We are going through our second journey of me having aggressive cancer.  This is hard, but we are going through it together. He doesn’t quit even when the storm is intense.  He is amazing .  

He is everything I hoped he would be and so much more than he can even understand (sometimes he is too humble) All I ever wanted in my life is exactly what I have-it’s not about stuff!!!! It’s about loving God,  Rich, 🐶, and the rest of my people.

This woman is grateful. 

(When I was in hospital for Thanksgiving and emergency surgery last week, one pf the young nurses said, “I love the way he looks at you,” after my husband left.  I told her we’d been married 45 years and she asked how that was possible.  The only answer I had, was to look for someone kind )

Post Hospital Reflection 11/26/23

I don’t know what to think, to say or admit this all is real-

I’m scared and overwhelmed by how this cancer makes me feel. There’s nothing simple happening here-

snap the fingers and it’s gone-

God, I’ve got to lean on you to help me be strong.

I know I’m blessed to live here with a husband I adore 

(so many folks don’t have that gift or a family. from whom love pours). 

So God, please help me with the tiredness, confusion and fear and with my hand in Your hand walk in the pastures you’ve prepared. 

Help me listen to the birds you made, hear their gentle songs of praise. Let me lie here looking at the stars-see your majesty displayed! 

Let me hear the movement of the stream upon the rocks that cry out Your name. 

Like these rocks, oh God, help my heart to give You endless  praise. I know You won’t forget me-

You have brought us safe this far. 

Watch over my lambs, and let them know You’re with them wherever they are. 

I’m grateful but I’m grieving all the losses that I see, 

But I know that I know that I know that I know-

You have not forgotten me.

Walking through the Fire

When I’m walking through the fire, He’s by my side.
When I’m walking through the fire, He is my guide.
Though I cannot see the way, secure in Him I’ll stay.
When I’m walking through the fire, He is there.

Three good men of old were cast into the fire.
They were not burned though the flames grew ever higher.
The Son of God was with them in the midst.
Knowing that, I put my trust in this….

Daniel in the lion’s den was cast.
God shut their mouths—His angels held them fast.
God kept him through the night. He saw the morning’s light
And God was honored ‘cause He brought Daniel through.

Elijah stood for God before Baal’s men.
God proved Himself the Lord by fire then.
Baal’s prophets did scream and shout
But Elijah’s prayer brought God out.
When God’s fire fell, to Him their hearts were turned.

(Daniel 3, Daniel 6, and I Kings 18)

Nov. 13, 1988 12:25 a.m.

Years ago, I wrote this when I first discovered a suspicious lump….scary, but turned out OK. Other lumps have not been OK. First Inflammatory Breast Cancer, and now bladder cancer. It seems like a small thing, this little problem, when the world is on fire and innocent people are being slaughtered in so many places – Gaza, Burma, Congo, Ukraine and many more…. It all seems kind of flowery and theoretical to say “God is with you” to someone who just had their family crushed under a falling building…I can’t figure that out. How God is good and the world is SOOO bad in places.

In the breaking….

His body, broken for us
Bread of life broken and shared
His presence recognized in the breaking,

The fruit of the vine-
Crushed, fermented, shared-
His blood, his Life!

The last will be first,
The greatest, a child.
Our king is a servant.

We wanted a superhero-
He came as a child-
Vulnerable, human like us.
He knows.

(Communion isn’t about out wholeness and perfection and glitzy spiritual pizzazz…brokenness is recognized….Jesus, human and perfect….us, human and messy. I read somewhere that communion is the great equalizer – we ALL come to the foot of the cross – people all over the world,, and acknowledge our need for a God who knows what it’s like to have become human.)

God, I’m trying to be reasonable, but….!

A thief has come creeping in the silence of night
To steal serenity, vitality and maybe my life.
I thought I could deal with this new situation
But my mind is imploding with great consternation.

He wasn’t invited, he has no real claim
So I’ll try asking him to leave in Jesus name.
I’ve met his cousin years ago – his name – breast cancer
But chemo and grace made him go.

I know I’m not righteous, that I don’t deserve
God’s blessing, protection, or any good thing
But I’ve come to trust that He’s good and kind-
(Until Job, world news and genocide come to mind).

Job didn’t deserve it, but he lost everything
Because God and the Liar played a game.
Job and his family suffered for a challenge from evil?
Is God really good? The world doesn’t look the same.
I believe, help my unbelief.

Broken Ways

Creator God, Giver of life
You see how we struggle-
Create hardship and strife,
We lash out in our anger
Breaking hearts as we go
Feeling wise when we’re foolish
Thinking You don’t see or know…

Our broken ways separate us,
Draw walls around our hearts
We think we’ve reached the ending
When You long to give a new start
Forgive us, God, we need You-
(We are not so wise at all!)

We think we have the answers
But on our faces we fall
Help us learn to listen to you!
Let Your Spirit speak words on the wind
Let the seeds of truth be planted
Make our hearts good ground again.

You’ve pulled the weeds so lovingly
(Although there still was pain)
As we clung to the things that hurt us
And refused to let you in
Help those whose pain is hidden
In the darkness of their fears
Give them hope that You are listening
When they’re alone and think no one hears.

Come, Great Holy Spirit, breathe life
Into these bones that feel broken and dried
Bring order, redemption, salvation
To this barren place within us –
Oh God, be glorified.

6/19/2023

Porpoise Without A Purpose

Wild fish, swimming freely, gracefully, quickly…
Unrestrained by civilization’s rules and expectations…
Time suspended…in his element.
Free to swim, free to jump, free to glide –
Free to experience life on the wild ocean.
No farm raised fish, not this one!
No carefully domesticated trained seal.
This one is made of frontier material –
Made for up where the northern lights shine,
The air is pure, the salmon abundant
And life is not in a cage.
How to revert to the wild?
How to become himself again?
God, give him direction.
You know.

Teresa Norman July 2007